I decided to go back to work on Sept 11. I work from a home office and typically spend a lot of my time traveling via airplane and car to have meetings and technical presentations with clients. When life is normal, I really enjoy traveling and exploring new places. I love both cities and wide open spaces. I am effective at working on the go, getting work done in airports, hotel rooms, and Starbucks locations all over the country. I am a very independent person who is comfortable being alone while doing this.

At least, that’s who I used to be. It’s who I will be again, but it’s going to take some time.

By Sept 11, I felt ready to begin tackling emails and phone calls and other computer related tasks. Dave was going back to work on Sept 11, so I decided this would be a good time for me to start as well. However, I was worried about travel. I wasn’t ready for that. We have gone through a very traumatic experience and I’ve noticed that I want my family around me all the time. Our first 10 days after our rescue, we all slept in the same bedroom. Two parents, two kids, two cats, and a dog. I wanted to know where everyone was at all times. We are now a couple of weeks out from that and have shifted to a new location where we are a bit more spread out. I’m a bit more relaxed. The kids are now sleeping in a different room from Dave and I, but they are only in the next room and we can check on them easily. The thought of getting on a plane and flying across the country and sitting in a restaurant alone and then a hotel room alone for a couple of days has been too much for me so far. I’m not ready. But I know the day will soon come when I do need to take that step.

Right after the flood, I did manage to salvage a few outfits that I can wear to meetings and I was offered help with getting laundry done by some kind friends. However, all of my shoes were ruined and had to be thrown in the garbage. On the day after rescue, I went to Target and bought three outfits of running shorts and tshirts for myself. This, along with a pair of tennis shoes, has been my entire wardrobe for the past few weeks. I’ve worn my hair in a ponytail, no makeup, and have been sweaty and dirty daily. The thought of acquiring new shoes, putting on makeup, a skirt and sweater, and thinking about technical things has been overwhelming to me. So, I decided to break it down into pieces and be gentle with myself.

I spent the past 10 days working “in the office”, which was a patio set bistro table that I drug into my driveway. From this table, I answered emails and phone calls, did other computer related tasks, while also being available to coordinate deliveries of various items such as drywall and storage container and manage appointments with contractors. During breaks from my day job, I would make phone calls to FEMA, car insurance, debris removal companies, coordinate mail delivery for various packages and cards, respond to texts and instant messages. It was hot and exhausting in the driveway, but it was even hotter inside the house.

Finally, I decided I was ready to put myself back out into the world, but it needed to be something small. I chose a client who is located about 2 hours away and who is fairly low maintenance. I should be able to drive there, have the meeting, and drive back in about half a day. I went to a department store and bought high heels. I pulled out a dress and hung it in the closet to de-wrinkle. I set my alarm and woke up on time. But I felt paralyzed. I could not make myself put on makeup and high heels and a dress. So, I decided not to make myself do that. I am an engineer and was going to visit other engineers at a chemical plant. I thought about how they dress there and realized that they all wear coveralls. I have a pair of coveralls that I wear regularly, along with steel toed boots. I decided that this would be acceptable for me to wear and something that I could mentally conquer.

I got dressed, took my kids to school, and started to drive out of town. I felt panicky to be leaving and driving 2 hours away. I have had very little alone time in which to think about our experiences. I was facing two hours alone in the car with just my thoughts for company. I considered turning the car around, going home, cancelling the meeting, and going to bed. But I didn’t. I kept driving. I decided that I refuse to be conquered by rain, flooding, anxiety, fear.

I held the meeting successfully in my coveralls with two very nice men who really just wanted to talk about the storm and share their experiences as people, as Texans, as neighbors, and friends. They wanted to hear my story. No one cared about high heels or makeup or dresses. They gave me a hug when I left. And that was that.

I got back in the car and drove home, feeling much calmer on the way back. I will face the skirts and makeup next week. I’ll face the empty hotel room in another couple of weeks. And I know I’ll be ready. Baby steps.