Although I’ve been suffering from a bit of writer’s block lately, here are a couple of musings.

Home:

In the summer before my senior year of chemical engineering, I did an internship with an oilfield services company. The first week of the internship put me in Houston, TX for a week of training before sending me out in the field. It was the first time I had ever traveled to Houston or Texas in general. I boarded the plane in Denver, CO, the closest airport to where I was living (Laramie, Wyoming), and headed on down to Houston. I stepped off the plane, and was immediately blasted with a wall of heat and humidity that I found suffocating and truly ridiculous. How could anyone live here? This place is miserable! I spent the rest of that summer living in Elk City, Oklahoma (also insanely hot) and couldn’t wait to return to home and life in Wyoming, where it was cool and crisp and refreshing.

A little more than a year later, I packed the car and moved to Houston, TX to try to get a job in the chemical engineering industry. I decided if I could make it work in Wyoming, surely I could make it work in Texas, heat be damned. For all those who don’t know me, I’m stubborn as hell, and if I decide I’m going to make something work, well, it’s going to work. It’s now been almost 10 years. I have picked up 4 pets, a husband, a master’s degree, a couple of kids, a house, great friends and 10 years of excellent work experience along the way. I have grown to truly love Texas (even the heat).

Just this past week, I landed at the Denver Airport for a business trip, and I stepped off the plane to be assaulted with a cold, dry, blasting wind. My throat had a little spasm, and I began to cough. I was amused at myself, remembering how this used to be home and how much I loved living in this part of the country. The truth is that home is wherever I want it to be. Home is wherever I find meaning and value in my life at that point in time. It isn’t based on a place, so much as a time in my life. I’ve lived in 8 states and 1 other country. I’ve loved each of them, as they were all interesting places to be. I wouldn’t trade any of those experiences for the world.

Being positive:

I was filling out some paperwork in the infant classroom at day care the other day. A new mom was there, getting acquainted with the workers and the classroom. A few of the other moms struck up a conversation with her, telling her all about how they cried, “bawling like a baby” on the first day they dropped their kids off. They proceeded to describe the smeared mascara, the sobbing fits they had in their cars, and the moodiness that was subjected on their spouses and coworkers for several days. I overheard this conversation happening and began to try to shrink back into my paperwork, hoping no one would notice me. I thought I was getting away with it until the main day care worker threw me under the bus! She smiled mischievously and pointed at me saying “ask her how much she cried on the first day!” The room got silent as they all turned to me. I quietly said “I haven’t cried…”. One mom said, “you mean, like, ever?” I nodded no. The day care worker cheerfully quipped, “that’s a twin mom for you!” and patted me on the shoulder. I wanted to kill her as the other mothers stared at me with a look of judgmental disbelief.

I spent the rest of the day wondering what was wrong with me for not finding the first day of day care to be sob-inducing. Eventually, I decided that nothing is wrong with me. I cry when something truly and deeply upsets me. The things that truly upset me are death, pain, or suffering of other people or animals. I then thought about my women friends and whether they would have cried. In most of their cases, I determined that they wouldn’t cry either. I guess we really do surround ourselves with friends who are similar to us.

After most of the mothers left, I spent a few minutes with the new mother, telling her what great experiences I have had with the day care, that the workers are truly loving and caring, and how they do a great job with our babies. She seemed happy and relieved to hear this knowledge. That’s what I have to give. The tears I do shed over life will always be in private. But, I am happy to give some encouragement and positive truth where it’s needed.

On January 10, I celebrated my 35th birthday. It was a day filled with kind words, friends, beer, sushi, and quality time with my husband and babies. My kind of day!

During that day, I also spent some time reflecting on the past year. What an incredible year in so many ways! It has been a wonderful year of personal growth, love, and joy. One of the best gifts on earth has been the gift of motherhood. It’s a beautiful thing every single day and I’ve learned so much about myself.

As I was driving the other day, I heard a commercial on the radio for a cosmetic dentistry business. It reminded me of my own front teeth, which now have a noticeable gap that has appeared in the past 10 years. I’ve often thought about having it corrected, but every time I think about doing it, I decide that its part of who I am and I should leave it alone. However, I’ve felt a bit of mild insecurity about it in the past and have been known to avoid smiling because of it.

Recently I’ve been smiling a lot. I smile at Andrew and Audrey constantly. They are funny and do funny things, which make me smile. And, if you smile at them, they smile right back, which is so much fun. I smile all day long, and it feels great. When I heard that commercial on the radio, I realized that I haven’t thought about the gap in my teeth in months. It has simply stopped bothering me.

Until I became a mother, I focused a lot more on my imperfections. I have a gap in my teeth, I’m slightly overweight, my house is not perfectly clean at every second of the day, I don’t walk the dog enough, I’m not good at crafts, I could work harder, etc. I’m actually a pretty positive person most of the time, but I was previously setting my standards at perfection and of course never living up to it. I always felt guilty about something. Motherhood has taught me to relax. I’m not perfect and that’s ok. To Audrey and Andrew, I am the most beautiful person on earth. My body is at the heaviest weight ever (except for when I was pregnant), but I feel more beautiful than I’ve ever felt before. I feel confident and happy in my own skin. I will try to lose some weight in 2014 because it’s the healthy thing to do, but I’m not so hard on myself anymore. It will work itself out in time. In the meantime, I’m going to keep on smiling!